Yeah, yeah, welcome to Gotham City. Let’s cut the crap, huh? We know why you’re REALLY here. Sure, everybody loves Gotham for its gorgeous architecture, world class museums, yadda yadda yadda. But nah. That ain’t your style. You want a REAL Gotham experience, don’t you? You wanna know where the FREAKS come out. Well, for starters, you can toss that little tour pamphlet you picked up at your hotel in the trash. It’s not gonna help you where we’re going. If you’re looking to get into some trouble, then stick with me... and hey. We just might even see The Bat.
#7. ROBINSON PARK
Some people say that Robinson Park is for lovers. Pssh, yeah, lovers of one thing: Poison Ivy. Big Red staked out the park as her turf in Gotham during NML -- that’s No Man’s Land, for you out of towners -- and it’s pretty much been hers ever since. With her control over plants and pheromones, anybody who walks into the park walks out a certified member of the Green Party, if you get my meaning. But hey, as far as fates in Gotham are concerned, getting enslaved to a beautiful eco-terrorist isn’t the worst way to go.
#6. ICEBERG LOUNGE
I hope you brought your best suit and a fat wad of cash (You DO have cash, right?), because the Lounge isn’t a place for schlubs. Gotham might not be a big casino town like Blüdhaven, but nobody does it up bigger and better than proprietor Oswald Cobblepot: a perfectly legitimate businessman who you should absolutely NEVER call “The Penguin.” And if we happen to bump into any well-connected mobsters who coincidentally frequent the establishment, I wouldn’t read into that either. But if you do see Cobblepot on the floor -- and believe me, you’ll know when you see him -- make sure you steer clear. You can look, but don’t stare. And most important, do NOT give him an excuse to “have you brought.”
#5. AMUSEMENT MILE
Don’t be fooled: there’s nothing amusing about this park. At least, not since the incident at Ace Chemicals graced us with the smiling face of You-Know-Who. These days you can’t book so much as a birthday clown without worrying HE’LL show up instead. Now, the only people you’ll find in Gotham’s old abandoned carnival district are the twisted hoodlums and lowlifes who see The Man Who Laughs as some kind of role model. And hey, maybe you’re one of those people too, huh? I’m not here to judge. They even say that for REALLY special occasions, The Clown himself joins in on the festivities. But you better hope this isn’t one of those nights. Because when he’s at the party, NOBODY’S safe...
#4 THE STACKED DECK
Okay, we’ve already been to the highest class gin joint in town — time to check out the lowest: The Stacked Deck. Just another smoky pool hall full of bikers and out of work henchmen, right? Wrong, friend. Because when Cobblepot wants to get away from the crowd, this is where HE goes. Him and the clown. And Ivy. And Two-Face and Killer Croc. This is where they all come together to unwind, play some cards, and chat Bat. It might just be the only neutral ground in the city. NOBODY tries anything funny. Because everybody knows if they did, all of Gotham would go up in flames. Not even the Batman would…well, on the other hand…no. He wouldn’t dare. Nobody’s that stupid.
#3 THE ROOFTOPS
Hope you’re not afraid of heights, because there’s only so much excitement you can have on the streets of Gotham. The REAL action happens on the rooftops. Seriously, if you can’t get a blimp ride, the best way to see the city is looking down. Up there is the old clock tower, where they say the Birds of Prey keep their perch. (I got a bit of a thing for Huntress, myself.) And over in the other direction is Gotham Central: home of Gotham’s finest, the GCPD. But like a lot of what goes on here, what happens inside isn’t nearly as interesting as what’s on top. You see, whenever there’s real trouble in town -- which is, let’s be honest, pretty much every night -- that’s where they turn on the Bat-Signal. And if you’re gonna see the Batman anywhere, that’s where you’ll get your glimpse. Just don’t turn your back. Because the moment you do, he’s gone.
#2. ARKHAM ASYLUM
I don’t have to tell you about Arkham Asylum. Everybody knows this is where they keep all the most terrible monsters in the city. The kind of guys who pump you full of gas just to hear you scream, or cut your throat for another notch on their skin. Now, OFFICIALLY, Arkham Asylum doesn’t offer tours to the public anymore. But relax, pal. I know a guy. Just go up to the front gate, ask for Denny, and slip him a $50 bill. Tell him you’re “visiting Crazy Quilt.” He’ll show you what you want to see. Just don’t hold me responsible for whatever comes next. But there’s still a little more time before daylight. And we’ve got one more place to go…
#1. CRIME ALLEY
Hey, you ever heard of Thomas and Martha Wayne? You should have, their names are on half the buildings in the city. BIG money. Philanthropist types. Even this place is named after them, in a way. See, like 20 or 30 years ago, they were taking their kid to this movie, right? And one of ‘em has the bright idea to take a shortcut through this dark alley. There’s a mugging, and a shooting, and only the kid survives. And ever since, we call this charming little nook “Crime Alley.”
And if you don’t want to end up like the Waynes, you’ll hand over your wallets and jewelry right now! That’s right. End of the tour, folks. Maybe next time you’ll know better than to walk around Gotham with a stranger, moron. If there is a next time. Yeah, gimme the pearls, too.
Wait, what? WHO’S behind me? Nice try, buddy. Not falling for that one. You must think I’m pretty...
Oh. Oh, #%*@. I can explain, Bats—